Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
