im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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