I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
