im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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