just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
