I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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