I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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