i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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