I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
