Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
