my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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