Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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