You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
