she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
