fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
