I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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