so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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