please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
