Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
