The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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