I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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