You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
