I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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