I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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