I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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