thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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