It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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