my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
