I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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