Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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