i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
