now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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