I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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