my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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