I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
