Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I cut my penus on the lid.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
