He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
