Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I want a musical about memes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
