My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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