Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i drank out of a bidet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
