well I can't set my house on fire every night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
