Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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