Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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