Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
