if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
