On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
