He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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