I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
