I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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