You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
