On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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