I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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