Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
