matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
