I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
