If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
