it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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